Sunday, December 14, 2008

Disaster Movie

I don't know why I'm even going to bother with this one, but here goes.

Disaster Movie is the latest in the long like of horrible genre parodies that have sprouted up over the past few years. You know the ones...Epic Movie, Date Movie, Superhero Move etc etc. Anyway, 2008's movie is supposed to be a jab at the disaster movie genre.

The basic story seems to be, the world is going to end on August 29, 2008. Honestly though, that's the furthest thing from this movie's mind. What the movie basically consists of is 90 minutes of disjointed pop culture references. I mean, seriously, how is Amy Winehouse checking Facebook in 10,001 BC supposed to be funny?

Anyway, after a nearly 10 minute long High School Musical type number (seriously), the house shakes for a second or two...that must have been the earthquake, and of course, it is centered on the apartment where this party is happening. Ah, now asteroids are falling and are destroying everything. So we cut to the streets, where people are running all over the place for no good reason, as nothing is falling down. Then an asteroid lands on "Hannah Montana" who does a completely unfunny 5 minute long death scene. Now it starts snowing, and our group of nameless heroes (I'm not kidding either...I can't remember any of these cliches getting a character name) run into an empty building, where they have a Zohan inspired fight between Juno and Sex and the City characters. Yeah.

I'm being fully honest when I say this is the most uninteresting and boring movie I have ever seen, and I'm not even halfway in yet. The references are all dull, they are 100% unfunny, and they are going to date this movie to the point where if you came back in 5 years to watch it...almost everything would be irrelevant. Unlike a movie parody like Airplane, made over 25 years ago, which has dated references, but holds up as a funny movie. This mess has nothing at all going for it, as a parody of the disaster movie genre, or as a comedy.

As I think about it (and I'm not trying to), they basically are stealing the story line from Cloverfield, they're just leaving out all the good parts.. A bunch of teens have a party, bad stuff happens, the two truly in love get separated after an argument at the party, and now that the world is ending...the heroic guy needs to get her back. But first...a break dancing competition. WHAT?!?!?! Thankfully, a tornado shows up and ends that mistake of a scene.

Finally, the best scene of the movie happens. Another earthquake hits, and the lights go out. Hooray! Now I don't have to watch this rats, they came back on. And our reward? An extended musical number and fight scene with a fake Alvin and the Chipmunks!!!

So, the reason why these disasters keep happening finally comes up. I guess it has something to do with this crystal skull (yeah, that Crystal Skull) not being on its proper pedestal. Yay! So, while half of our nameless crew go to return the skull (and have a conversation / fight with naked Beowulf...) the other half try to escape the museum...only to come across...Kung Fu Panda. And of course, a pointlessly long fight scene occurs.

So, the skull gets returned, the disasters stop, and our "heroes" get the Love Guru. Ok, note to the filmmakers. If you're going to use something as a parody, make sure people even know the character in the first place. Honestly, about 8 people saw that movie.

So, we're at the end of the movie, and the final scene is...a musical number themed around the Sarah Silverman "I'm f*&#ing Matt Damon" video...that includes every character in the movie. So, of course, it's a 5 second "joke" that lasts about 10 minutes. Thankfully, the credits roll, ending this disaster. Hey...maybe that's it. They weren't making a disaster movie parody; they just knew how Godawful this movie actually was and were warning people, yeah!

I seriously can't believe that movie was even made. There isn't a thing I can think of to say that is remotely positive about the experience. The thing is...this movie was popular! It made millions of dollars. WHY? I give this move an F, and that's being generous. It's an embarrassing mess. And I know...deep down in my soul...there will be another one next year. Next time, I may go back to a big dumb Hollywood disaster movie...I'm thinking Twister. We'll see.